Going to a child arrangements hearing can feel daunting, particularly when emotions are high and the future of your relationship with your child may be at stake. However, the family court is not there to decide which parent is the “winner”. Its central concern is the child’s welfare.
That means your conduct matters. What you say, how you say it, whether you comply with directions and—most importantly—whether you keep the child at the centre of your proposals can all influence how the court views the case.
Below are some of the most damaging mistakes to avoid.
1. Do not treat the hearing as a battle against the other parent
It is easy to enter court determined to prove that the other parent is wrong about everything. That approach rarely helps.
The judge usually needs clear information about the child’s needs, the disputed issues and the practical arrangements that could work. A stream of personal criticism may make you appear more focused on the adult conflict than on the child.
Instead of saying, “They are impossible and never put the child first,” explain the relevant facts: what happened, when it happened, how it affected the child and what safe, workable solution you propose.
2. Do not involve the child in the dispute
Children should not be asked to choose sides, carry messages, report on the other household or rehearse what to say to Cafcass. Do not show a child court documents or discuss adult allegations with them unless a suitably qualified professional has advised that this is appropriate.
The child’s wishes and feelings may be important, depending on their age and understanding, but they must be obtained in a safe and appropriate way. Repeatedly telling the court, “My child says…” can raise questions about pressure, influence and whether the child has been placed in the middle.
Children need permission to love both sides of their family, where it is safe for them to do so.
3. Do not exaggerate, guess or make allegations without a proper basis
Serious safeguarding concerns must be raised. But allegations should be clear, specific and truthful. Do not embellish events to make them sound worse, repeat rumours as facts or label ordinary parenting differences as abuse.
If you do not know something, say so. If you cannot remember the precise date, be honest and give the best timeframe you can. Credibility is hard won and easily lost; one proven exaggeration may cause the court to approach your other evidence with caution.
Where domestic abuse or another risk of harm is alleged, the court must consider the relevant safeguarding framework. This is not a reason to stay silent—it is a reason to present concerns carefully, with dates, examples and supporting material where available.
4. Do not ignore court orders or directions
Deadlines are not optional. If the court orders you to file a statement, schedule of allegations, position statement or other document by a particular date, take that direction seriously. Read every order promptly and note each requirement and deadline.
Likewise, a child arrangements order must be followed unless it is changed by agreement where legally permissible or varied by the court. If an immediate safety issue makes compliance impossible, obtain urgent legal advice and take the appropriate step—do not simply ignore the order.
Repeated non-compliance may affect your credibility, cause delay and lead to enforcement action. It may also suggest that you are unwilling to support stable arrangements for the child.
5. Do not arrive unprepared
Turning up without having read the papers is a needless own goal. Know what application is before the court, what the previous order says, which issues remain disputed and what you are asking the judge to do.
Prepare a short chronology and a realistic proposal. Bring the documents you are permitted or required to use, arranged so you can find them quickly. If you have submitted a position statement, know what is in it.
Your proposal should address ordinary life, not merely broad principles. Think about school days, handovers, holidays, travel, telephone or video contact, medical needs and how important information will be shared.
6. Do not interrupt, argue or speak disrespectfully
You may strongly disagree with what is being said. Write the point down and wait for your opportunity to respond. Interrupting the judge, the other party or a Cafcass officer is unlikely to strengthen your case.
Address the judge properly, answer the question asked and keep your language measured. Avoid sarcasm, insults, eye-rolling and muttered comments. Courtroom composure does not mean that you do not care; it shows that you can manage difficult situations in a child-focused way.
7. Do not bury the court in irrelevant messages and documents
More evidence is not automatically better evidence. Hundreds of screenshots, years of routine messages and lengthy accounts of the former relationship may hide the points that genuinely matter.
Use only material that is relevant, admissible and permitted by the court’s directions. Explain what each document proves. Never alter, crop misleadingly or selectively present a conversation in a way that changes its meaning. Keep the complete original material available.
Court bundles and evidence are governed by procedural rules. If you are unsure what may be filed or relied upon, obtain legal advice rather than flooding the court office with unsolicited documents.
8. Do not post about the case on social media
Family proceedings involving children are generally private, and there are legal restrictions on sharing information. Posting allegations, documents, recordings or identifying details can harm the child, inflame conflict and potentially breach reporting or confidentiality rules.
Do not assume that a private group, disappearing message or anonymous account makes publication safe. If you want to share information with a professional or support person, check the applicable rules first.
9. Do not contact or pressure Cafcass improperly
Cafcass is not the legal representative of either parent. Its role is to advise the court about the child’s welfare and best interests.
Be open, concise and respectful. Provide information through the correct channel and within any deadline. Do not bombard the officer with repeated emails, demand that they “take your side” or coach the child before an interview. If you disagree with a report, identify factual errors and welfare concerns calmly and raise them through the proper court process.
10. Do not refuse every compromise merely on principle
There are cases in which agreement is unsafe or impossible, particularly where there is domestic abuse, coercive control or another safeguarding risk. Safety must never be traded away for the appearance of cooperation.
In other cases, however, refusing sensible proposals because they came from the other parent can make the dispute longer and more damaging for the child. The court will be interested in whether you can identify practical solutions and support the child’s relationship with the other parent when that relationship is safe.
Compromise is not surrender. Often, it is responsible parenting in difficult circumstances.
11. Do not make the case about parental “rights” alone
Parents understandably speak about their right to see their child. The court’s focus, however, is the child’s welfare—not an adult’s entitlement to win a particular arrangement.
Frame your case around the child: their safety, emotional needs, routine, education, relationships, age, wishes and feelings, and the likely effect of any proposed change. Show how your proposal works for this particular child.
12. Do not forget that your conduct outside court may also matter
Hostile messages, confrontational handovers, withholding important information, using relatives to continue arguments or repeatedly making unreasonable applications may all become relevant. A polished performance in the courtroom will not erase a documented pattern outside it.
Communicate as though a judge may one day read the message. Keep it brief, factual and about the child. That simple discipline prevents a surprising number of problems.
A better approach: calm, credible and child-focused
Before the hearing, ask yourself:
- What does my child need now?
- What are the genuine welfare or safety issues?
- Which facts can I prove?
- What practical order am I asking the court to make?
- Can I explain my proposal without attacking the other parent?
- Have I complied with every direction and deadline?
The strongest presentation is usually not the loudest. It is organised, honest, proportionate and firmly centred on the child. The family court knows that separated parenting can be difficult. What it needs to see is that, even under pressure, you can distinguish adult hurt from the child’s needs and help create safe, workable arrangements for the future.
This article provides general information about private-law child arrangements proceedings in England and Wales. It is not legal advice and cannot replace advice on the facts of an individual case. Court processes can vary, including in areas operating a Child Focused Courts model. If there are allegations of domestic abuse, child abduction, immediate danger or another safeguarding concern, seek specialist legal advice urgently and contact the emergency services where necessary.